How to Date a Feminist

29 Jan

DATING A FEMINIST

How to Date a Feminist in 6 Easy Steps


My boyfriend Ryan and I have had countless very loud and heated feminist-related discussions/arguments. I’ve called him out on male privilege, he’s claimed I’m a separatist, and we’ve had intriguing debates on Juicy J’s Twerk Scholarship, #Solidarityisforwhitewomen, #Blackpowerisforblackmen, and cultural appropriation. After disagreeing on Grand Theft Auto’s need for playable female characters, we had to reconsider whether or not this relationship was going to work out.  

Needless to say, my black feminist politics has impacted our relationship, bringing us closer together, while at the same time, fostering lots of disagreement. But somehow, we’ve managed to survive. So here’s our 6-step plan to dating a feminist (by feminist, we mean feminist of any gender).

Step 1: If you’re considering dating a feminist, DON’T. Plain and simple. If you can avoid dating a feminist, by all means, do so. Otherwise, you might end up in a relationship with a partner who, if they practice what they preach, treats you like a human being, brings up interesting topics at dinner, cares about other people in the world, and maybe even helps you pay the check every now and then. God forbid it!

Instead, run and hide.

RUN AND HIDE

However, if find yourself in a situation where a feminist happens to be the object of your affection, we’ll try to help you traverse the waters that are feminism in your relationship.

Step 2: Know the definition of Feminism (the real one).  Feminism is not just for women.  If your significant others thinks feminism is only about women’s issues, they’re wrong. Feminism also addresses the human condition, and is more than simply a woman’s ideology.

RULES OF FEM GIF

Step 3: Think about the ways in which you expect your partner to obey certain gender norms…then get rid of those expectations. That’s kiddie crap. Gender norms are for old school Disney characters; you are dating a real person.

Step 4: Be ready to defend your beliefs and prepare to be wrong. If you are dating a passionate feminist, they will call you out on your sexist/racist/homophobic/privileged ways. So have well-thought-out answers and questions.

Step 5: Do not pacify discussion. If your partner happens to be on a feminist rant (or a light discussion, depending on their temperament), listen up. You might actually learn something new about yourself or about something pretty freaking cool. It won’t benefit either of you to end the conversation with “Okay, you’re right.” Instead, when you feel your partner is blatantly wrong or isn’t making sense, call them on it. Discussion only helps you better understand.

Step 6: Accept that feminist ideology will creep into your thoughts and make you a better person…you’re welcome.

YOURE WELCOME GIF

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Your 2014 Style Upgrade: The Big Chop

22 Jan

ImageLately Lupita Nyong’o, star of the movie 12 Years a Slave and recent SAG and Critics Choice awards, has been gracing the spotlight. Not only is she a talented and award-winning rising actress, fashion gurus are bowing down as she collects her awards.

And she does it all flawlessly with a beautiful buzzed cut.

Last year, Top 7 Perks of Shaving Your Head was one of the most-read posts. So I figured it’s about time I did another post on the subject of hair, just in case you weren’t convinced by Lupita’s flawless presence and my previous post.

When I’m in public, lots of women come up to me expressing their desire to have my haircut. They all usually same something like, “I wish I could cut my hair, but __________ (insert lame excuse here).” I tell them that they can pull it off, but they never believe me. So I guess its time I stop being nice: Ladies, cut the crap. If you want to do it, now is definitely the time. Let it be your big step of 2014, since I know some of y’all already failed at your New Year’s resolutions, while others decided not to make any because they knew they wouldn’t follow through.

YES YOU CAN survive the Big Chop and wear it beautifully.

So let’s address those lame excuses:

Humpty Dumpty Blues: My head is lumpy/ awkwardly shaped
Some of us have dents and ridges in our heads, myself included. That’s an easy fix: don’t shave your head completely bald. Leave about a half of a centimeter (maybe not even that much), just enough to cover the lumps. I was personally concerned about my lumps when I decided to shave my head nearly bald one day—but I got over it.  No one comes over to examine my head for inconsistencies.

Bratz Doll Syndrome: My Head is too big

GRACE JONES

Grace Jones

To be honest, it probably isn’t. And if it is that big, the hair on your head right not probably hiding that fact either. Big heads can be bald too. Wear big earrings and accessories.

He or She?: I’ll look like a boy
Yes you will—and at the same time, no you won’t. That really depends on your bone structure. Gender is a a societal construct and androgyny is in style right now anyway. You’ll be on that Grace Jones/Janelle Monae look. 

Samesies Boredom: I want variety
Even with your hair as short as mine, you can mix it up. How many colors did Amber Rose have when she wore buzz cuts?

A ROSE BLONDEA ROSE MIX

Or you could go with a more natural honey brown dye. Or do like Grace Jones: vary it in lengths and shapes, add texturizer, sculpt designs. Get creative.

I think everyone should cut off their hair at least once, just for the freedom and experience. Unless you’re super attached like those Top Model contestants that cry when Tyra gives them makeovers. Or you just really don’t want to. I’m not a Natural Hair Nazi; Do what you do. I’m talking to the ladies who’ve ever considered it but are hesitant. Buzz cuts are easy, freeing, and look good all the time. If you need more reasons to cut your hair, check out my other post on buzz cuts.

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Curb Your Ignorance: What NOT to ask a Transgender Person

16 Jan

Laverne Cox

If you haven’t yet heard of Laverne Cox, let me put you on:

  • First African-American transgender woman to produce and star in her own television show.
  • Current star of Orange is the New Black
  • Transgender Advocate
  • Master of shutting down ignorant questions

Recently Ms. Cox appeared as a guest on Katie Couric’s talk show alongside transgender supermodel and TV personality Carmen Carrera. When Katie talked to the women about the question of genitalia (asking why many transgender people don’t like when you ask about their genitalia), Laverne magnificently explained why those types of questions are not okay.

She says (at 2:20 in the video),

“That preoccupation…objectifies trans people and then we don’t get to deal with the real lived experiences. The reality of trans people lives is that so often we’re targets of violence. We experience discrimination disproportionately to the rest of the community and our unemployment rate is twice the national average…When we focus on transition, we don’t get to talk about those things.”

While Laverne spoke I was taken back to a few months ago at my Ms. magazine internship. I was assigned to fact-check a piece on International Transgender Day of Remembrance. The day is set aside annually to memorialize people who are killed because of hatred and prejudice toward transgender people.

While fact-checking, I printed out the statistics of trans* people who were murdered. The printer kept going and going, and eventually I had to add more paper. When it finally stopped, I held a thick stack of paper, with names, ages, and the gruesome details of thousands of murdered people. A 13 year old stoned to death in Brazil, a 22 year old choked with a chain and set on fire in Wisconsin, another woman stabbed and beheaded in Mexico are all included on the list.

As Laverne explained, the seriousness of the situation is overlooked when people ask trivial questions (And why would you ask anyone about their genitals? That’s just not acceptable in most settings).

Yes I know—some of us uninformed cisgender people like to ask a lot of questions. But sometimes our curiosity is unappreciated. It sort of reminds me of the times ignorant Argentines asked if my skin was harder because it was darker than their own. I would roll my eyes, shake my head and let them touch the skin on the back of my hand (which happens to be baby soft, fyi). Questions like that one and the ones posed at trans people about their genitalia serve to “other” the person on the receiving end of the question. It’s like questioning someone’s humanity while using yourself as the standard.

Knowing some of my readers personally, I’d like to acknowledge that some of us have certain prejudices towards transgender people. Yet, we can’t be all for women’s equality and racial equality and then stand against transgender people who share similar experiences that we face: discrimination in the workplace (and every other place), disproportional targets of violence, and just all around rudeness from ignorant folks.

Anyways, for informing people about the severity of these issues and shutting down unwanted questions about transgender people, Laverne Cox is AWW’s  Super Woman of the Month.

Thank you Laverne

If you’d like to be a better trans* ally, I’d suggest you hear more from transgender people. As a cisgender woman, I can only say so much and I do not have the lived experience. So check out these related posts written by transgender women:

13 Myths And Misconceptions About Trans Women
Trans Etiquette 101: No Offense, But That’s Offensive

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