How to Date a Feminist

29 Jan


How to Date a Feminist in 6 Easy Steps

My boyfriend Ryan and I have had countless very loud and heated feminist-related discussions/arguments. I’ve called him out on male privilege, he’s claimed I’m a separatist, and we’ve had intriguing debates on Juicy J’s Twerk Scholarship, #Solidarityisforwhitewomen, #Blackpowerisforblackmen, and cultural appropriation. After disagreeing on Grand Theft Auto’s need for playable female characters, we had to reconsider whether or not this relationship was going to work out.  

Needless to say, my black feminist politics has impacted our relationship, bringing us closer together, while at the same time, fostering lots of disagreement. But somehow, we’ve managed to survive. So here’s our 6-step plan to dating a feminist (by feminist, we mean feminist of any gender).

Step 1: If you’re considering dating a feminist, DON’T. Plain and simple. If you can avoid dating a feminist, by all means, do so. Otherwise, you might end up in a relationship with a partner who, if they practice what they preach, treats you like a human being, brings up interesting topics at dinner, cares about other people in the world, and maybe even helps you pay the check every now and then. God forbid it!

Instead, run and hide.


However, if find yourself in a situation where a feminist happens to be the object of your affection, we’ll try to help you traverse the waters that are feminism in your relationship.

Step 2: Know the definition of Feminism (the real one).  Feminism is not just for women.  If your significant others thinks feminism is only about women’s issues, they’re wrong. Feminism also addresses the human condition, and is more than simply a woman’s ideology.


Step 3: Think about the ways in which you expect your partner to obey certain gender norms…then get rid of those expectations. That’s kiddie crap. Gender norms are for old school Disney characters; you are dating a real person.

Step 4: Be ready to defend your beliefs and prepare to be wrong. If you are dating a passionate feminist, they will call you out on your sexist/racist/homophobic/privileged ways. So have well-thought-out answers and questions.

Step 5: Do not pacify discussion. If your partner happens to be on a feminist rant (or a light discussion, depending on their temperament), listen up. You might actually learn something new about yourself or about something pretty freaking cool. It won’t benefit either of you to end the conversation with “Okay, you’re right.” Instead, when you feel your partner is blatantly wrong or isn’t making sense, call them on it. Discussion only helps you better understand.

Step 6: Accept that feminist ideology will creep into your thoughts and make you a better person…you’re welcome.


4 Responses to “How to Date a Feminist”

  1. Lawrence January 14, 2015 at 6:01 PM #

    Hi I’m a college student interested in studying feminism for a school research paper I will be writing over the next nine weeks. Within feminism, I plan to tackle the debate of how we treat people who are not the same, equally. There are certain historical, social, stigmas, anatomical, and economic contexts/differences that society has to accept . How do we deal with the issue of same vs equal? I will also be debating certain issues about potential solutions to varying issues/agendas. If possible, I would like to pick your brain by doing an online interview via email. Please email me at: if you are interested. Thank you!


  2. Bobby January 14, 2015 at 3:46 PM #

    “Step 1: If you’re considering dating a feminist, DON’T. Plain and simple. ”

    This the only step men and women need to know. Enough said.


  3. Kai January 29, 2014 at 5:16 PM #

    I like that last line. You’re welcome! Lol



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