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I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse to be a Virgin

13 Mar

Virgin Photo Hey Everyone. I published another article on XO Jane this week–and at first I was keeping it a secret. The article gets really personal, and because of that, I’d originally decided not to publish it on this blog. I usually don’t mind if strangers know my business; however, I know that some of my friends and family members read my blog–and I didn’t really want them to know the details of my (non) sex life. Also, in the midst of searching for a job, I didn’t want potential employers to read the post either.

Then, Jezebel republished the article-and it started getting more attention. Random people and feminist publications tweeted me about it.  A friend of mine saw it and posted it on Facebook. And you know, after something hits Facebook, everyone sees it.
At first, I was somewhat embarrassed that people I knew were reading my private thoughts about sex. But then, more friends wrote on my wall and tweeted me, telling me how the article resonated with them. Apparently, there were many  women who felt the same way I did.

Now I’m glad I shared my story.

So here it is:

I Shouldn’t Need An Excuse to be a Virgin

A few months ago, my friends went around the table talking about the most bizarre places they’ve had sex. When it was my turn, their jaws dropped at my response. Then someone made a soft, “Awww,” — the kind you give a baby after she lets out a burp. It was the first time I admitted to a group of feminists that I was a virgin — something I’d been ashamed of for a while.

I’m not religious, I don’t have a fear of sex, and I have an awesome boyfriend of 2 years who would be at my doorstep in seconds with a box of condoms if I made that call. On top of all that, I occasionally write for a sex-positive site called Slutist. But despite these factors, I am a 22-year-old virgin.

I know 22 isn’t really that old. But in a country where the average age of virginity loss is 17, teens are having sex on popular TV shows (I’m sure in a few years, even characters on Disney Channel will be getting their freak on), and feminists have worked tirelessly to make it OK for young women to embrace their sexuality, 22 seems a little late in the game. My few virgin friends and I are the weirdoes.

Most people don’t understand it — not even my own mother, who is beginning to wonder if something is psychologically wrong with me.

What my mother and friends don’t know is that just like them, I also don’t understand why I’m not having sex…Read more

Author’s Note: This piece was originally published on XO Jane and republished on Jezebel. You can read the full article by clicking the link above.

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Top Blogs to Follow During Black History Month

5 Feb

20010129 BLACK HISTORYHappy Black History Month Everyone! Last year, I created your Top Reads for Black History Month—but I know some of y’all didn’t even bother to turn a page during the entire month (yes, I’m shaming you). You can check out that list if you need some reading suggestions. However, if you need something short and sweet, might I suggest a few blogs and sites that may have some of the most interesting content during the month:

Racialicious-the intersection of race and pop culture.  I always turn to Racialicious when there’s a race-related debate going on. Their writers and editors are on point and always present perspectives that other news/blog outlets gloss over. (And I’ve written for them before so I’m definitely a fan!)

Twerked presents great conversation on women of color, their sexuality, their interests and their love of hip hop. Twerked gives an educated black feminist view on twerking. So you can stop watching those stupid twerking segments on nighttime news; this blogger’s got you covered.

The Gradient Liar -Black Women + art, media, social media, socio-politics, and culture. If you’re trying to upgrade your knowledge of womanist politics during this month, check out The Gradient Liar.

The Crunk Feminist Collective– The name is pretty self-explanatory. The site is a place for hip hop generation feminists to express their thoughts.

Colorlines -Though not technically a blog, Colorlines is a daily news site where race matters. Check them out for almost any topic of your interest.

Media Diversified tackles the lack of diversity in UK media. The organization has an army of writers on worldwide topics and news.

Rap Rehab is a popular site for music-lovers that want to know more about race and politics in the music industry.

Hood Feminism– creators of several trending hashtags on twitter (#fasttailedgirls, #solidarityisforwhitewomen, and more), Hood Feminism is bound to stir up some good conversation during Black History Month on both twitter and the blog.

TransGriot provides news, opinions, and commentary from a proud African American transwoman who is an award-winning blogger.

And of Course: A Womyn’s Worth will bring your weekly black history month insight when you need it. On the days when I’m not posting, check out some of those blogs I mentioned above.

P.S.: if you’re looking for some Black History Month comedy—watch SNL’s “28 Reasons to Hug a Black Guy.” I couldn’t stop laughing.

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Curb Your Ignorance: What NOT to ask a Transgender Person

16 Jan

Laverne Cox

If you haven’t yet heard of Laverne Cox, let me put you on:

  • First African-American transgender woman to produce and star in her own television show.
  • Current star of Orange is the New Black
  • Transgender Advocate
  • Master of shutting down ignorant questions

Recently Ms. Cox appeared as a guest on Katie Couric’s talk show alongside transgender supermodel and TV personality Carmen Carrera. When Katie talked to the women about the question of genitalia (asking why many transgender people don’t like when you ask about their genitalia), Laverne magnificently explained why those types of questions are not okay.

She says (at 2:20 in the video),

“That preoccupation…objectifies trans people and then we don’t get to deal with the real lived experiences. The reality of trans people lives is that so often we’re targets of violence. We experience discrimination disproportionately to the rest of the community and our unemployment rate is twice the national average…When we focus on transition, we don’t get to talk about those things.”

While Laverne spoke I was taken back to a few months ago at my Ms. magazine internship. I was assigned to fact-check a piece on International Transgender Day of Remembrance. The day is set aside annually to memorialize people who are killed because of hatred and prejudice toward transgender people.

While fact-checking, I printed out the statistics of trans* people who were murdered. The printer kept going and going, and eventually I had to add more paper. When it finally stopped, I held a thick stack of paper, with names, ages, and the gruesome details of thousands of murdered people. A 13 year old stoned to death in Brazil, a 22 year old choked with a chain and set on fire in Wisconsin, another woman stabbed and beheaded in Mexico are all included on the list.

As Laverne explained, the seriousness of the situation is overlooked when people ask trivial questions (And why would you ask anyone about their genitals? That’s just not acceptable in most settings).

Yes I know—some of us uninformed cisgender people like to ask a lot of questions. But sometimes our curiosity is unappreciated. It sort of reminds me of the times ignorant Argentines asked if my skin was harder because it was darker than their own. I would roll my eyes, shake my head and let them touch the skin on the back of my hand (which happens to be baby soft, fyi). Questions like that one and the ones posed at trans people about their genitalia serve to “other” the person on the receiving end of the question. It’s like questioning someone’s humanity while using yourself as the standard.

Knowing some of my readers personally, I’d like to acknowledge that some of us have certain prejudices towards transgender people. Yet, we can’t be all for women’s equality and racial equality and then stand against transgender people who share similar experiences that we face: discrimination in the workplace (and every other place), disproportional targets of violence, and just all around rudeness from ignorant folks.

Anyways, for informing people about the severity of these issues and shutting down unwanted questions about transgender people, Laverne Cox is AWW’s  Super Woman of the Month.

Thank you Laverne

If you’d like to be a better trans* ally, I’d suggest you hear more from transgender people. As a cisgender woman, I can only say so much and I do not have the lived experience. So check out these related posts written by transgender women:

13 Myths And Misconceptions About Trans Women
Trans Etiquette 101: No Offense, But That’s Offensive

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