You Can Find Me in Da Club—but Don’t Touch Me!

31 Jul


A few years ago I was with a group of friends at a party, wearing one of my staple going-out pieces: a short, tight, high-waist pencil skirt. Now, I kinda have a big booty (I’ve discussed my prior insecurities about it in a previous post). That night, my favorite skirt and my rear-end got a lot of unwanted attention.

While I was minding my own business and dancing with my friends, some drunken fool walks over, grabs my ass, and then stumbles away.

I was embarrassed—but not nearly as embarrassed as I was after it happened again only a few moments later. I went over to one of the guys I’d come to the party with and told him what had happened. “Well, your ass is nice,” he responded. Then, when I turned my head, he grabbed my booty and walked away laughing.

After that, I stood up against the wall trying to protect my ass from any more attention. In hindsight, I know I shouldn’t have felt the need to do that. Here’s my question: When did my body become public property?

Just because my ass is big doesn’t mean you have license to grab it.

Several people may be quick to blame the guys’ actions on my choice of clothing. However, I shouldn’t have to cover up my curves just because some guy wasn’t taught how to act in public. It’s a free country (kind of). I am allowed to adorn my body (mine—not anyone else’s) however I please. People should know better than to touch others inappropriately—it’s called sexual harassment. My skirt didn’t make them grab me—skirts don’t have magical powers like that; they grabbed me because they wanted to. Don’t blame the victim, blame the offender.

The problem is that our society often embraces Male Sexual Entitlement*, the idea that men are owed sexual attention and that women are expected to “give it up” to them. This entitlement shows up in social interactions at bars, parties, and clubs.

Some of men think that just because a woman is dressed up and at a party, she must be seeking attention. Some women are, some aren’t. I won’t deny it: I like attention. And by attention I mean conversation and polite complements—not touching, hugs, high fives or any of that bullshit. Sometimes this entitlement isn’t as serious as groping, but strangers shouldn’t feel like they have permission to put their hands on a woman they don’t know. If she didn’t grant permission, it’s inappropriate. If you see me at the club—look, wave, say hello, judge me if you must, but don’t touch!

In addition, I, like every other woman and man in the club, reserve the right to be selective. In other words: just because a woman dresses up doesn’t mean she has to acknowledge every guy that approaches her. She can pick and choose based on looks, personality, or whatever she wishes. That’s her decision.

But some idiots are too aggressive, too touchy-feely, and too angry when they get rejected. Am I a bitch because I told you “no”? (Even though I said it politely?) Okay—then you’re an asshole for assuming that you are entitled to my attention. (Perfect example of Male Sexual Entitlement).

So here’s my advice for combating this kind of entitlement at a bar, club, party, or wherever. aka:

How to Get Rid of Assholes at the Club


  • A firm, smileless “No” solves most problems. A decent guy would back away after hearing the word “No” in a serious manner.
  • If he doesn’t back away, you may have to get a little more verbal and embarrass his ass.  Yell as loudly as you can “Excuse me! I do not want to dance with you. Don’t touch me!” That not only humiliates the hell out of him, but also makes him look like a huge creep. And, other people may come to your defense or at least give him dirty looks.
  • Another option is to do like the Plastics on Mean Girls. If he’s being inappropriate (and you’re bold enough) you can yell “Excuse me, I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!” I’ve never tried that one—but good luck.
  • You may have to get physical (just a little bit) if none of the previous recommendations  work out. Some young women, I’ve noticed, if they are in a situation where there are creepy guys around, they move. Yet, I hate having to change my location or actions just because some idiot doesn’t have manners. So I will sometimes push (lightly yet firmly) a guy away from me. I mean “push” as in soft shove that signifies for him to back the hell up—NOT “push” as in I’m starting an all-out brawl in the bar.

*If you’re interested in reading more on Male Sexual Entitlement, you can read the article that inspired this post.

Related posts: Wanting to be a Big Booty Hoe

4 Responses to “You Can Find Me in Da Club—but Don’t Touch Me!”

  1. Anonymous August 6, 2013 at 11:54 PM #

    Excellent article! Can I please add to your list of “How to Get Rid of Assholes at the Club”?

    ❤ you!


  2. Brandie Alexander August 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM #

    (trigger warning)
    Thank you so much for addressing inappropriate behavior at the club. I had a really awful experience a few weekends ago at a club, and the culture is really oppressive and rapey in my opinion. Only just recently have I become empowered to say NO, and stand up for myself and my friends. Rock on!



  1. Your Top Posts of 2013…Did You Miss Any? | A Womyn's Worth - December 30, 2013

    […] You Can Find Me in Da Club—but Don’t Touch Me! “When did my body become public property? Just because my ass is big doesn’t mean you have license to grab it.” […]


  2. Come Correct! The Right Way to Approach a Woman | A Womyn's Worth - November 25, 2013

    […] posts, I’ve talked about the wrong ways to approach women and my horrific encounters with guys who felt entitled to touch my body as if it were public property. Yet, I’ve never talked about the correct way to approach a woman. […]


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