Despite what critics of the Black Santa at Mall of America have to say, my Santa has always been black. Not only is he’s Black, but he pro-Black. He was pro-Black when my parents accidentally ordered a White Barbie Doll online a few days before Christmas (I know because I peeked) and a Black version of the doll somehow ended up under our tree. He was Black that one year I unwrapped a deck of educational cards of famous Black pioneers. And he was black that year he ate those candied yams and greens I left out for him because my sister and I forgot to bake cookies. I highly doubt a White Santa would have done all of that.
I’d bet cold, hard cash that Santa wears a “NWA” t-shirt under his red coat and a loc bun under his Christmas hat. Also, none of that “on Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer” stuff. Santa bumps A Seat at the Table as he rides his sleigh.
So I’m assuming then that Santa can get onboard with a few of these things I, a young black millennial woman, am asking for Christmas this year.
Here’s a copy of the Christmas list I need pro-black Santa of things I to make happen for the betterment of the Black community
- A “Don’t Waste My Time” app
When Black men, like Trick Daddy, part their lips or get behind their keyboards to say something ignorant about Black women, people get really offended. I don’t. I actually like it.
In spewing their anti-Black woman messages, these ignorant, self-hating folks are adding their names to the “Don’t Waste Our Time” list.
Please, celebrity and not-so-famous black men. Please come out with your disdain for black women. Add your name to the running list of unf*ckwithables so that those of us who would have otherwise been interested in you don’t have to waste our precious time going on even one single date with one of you.
Seriously, Santa, can we get an app for this?
Also, I hope this app alerts these men’s mothers, most of whom are also black.
- An end to Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham’s not-so-funny, oh-so-white “girl power”
I think it’s safe to say that many black folks have been tired of these two for quite some time now. From racist attempts to enter the mind of NFLBae Odell Beckham Jr. to “creating” a “Formation” tribute that is the music video equivalent of unseasoned boiled chicken, these two have to go.
I know this is a reach, Santa. But if you’ve got some spare time between checking your naughty and nice list, could you at least oust any news of these two from the social media timelines of black folks who wish to no longer see them?
- That hoteps stop pointing their ankh-adorned fingers at Black feminists
Santa, here’s another bunch that annoys me almost as much as that White feminist duo I just mentioned.
They parade around the internet offering phony, anti-LGBTQIA+ proverbs and misogynoir masked as Black power. I was tired of them last year, the year before that, and that Summer several years ago when I worked in Leimert Park (a historically black part of Los Angeles, and peak hotep stomping grounds). Seriously, they can kick rocks.
Please offer some education and wisdom to this misguided bunch, Santa.
- That “Girlfriends” finds it’s way to Netflix.
Netflix has given us real gems this year. We got some great Netflix originals like The Get Down, Luke Cage, 13th, and Chewing Gum. Now I’m looking for some feel-good throwbacks, including Sister Sister and Girlfriends.
Every time Tracee Ellis Ross makes me laugh out loud on Black-ish, I’m reminded of the times she did the same on Girlfriends. It’s a show I’m happy to binge watch in place of doing real work — and I won’t even feel ashamed for it later.
Since winter is has arrived and many of us are indoors avoiding the cold, we’ll need it on the docket ASAP.
- That Cam Newton’s outfits continue to inspire memes
I don’t follow sports all that much, but I know of Cam Newton– mostly because of his flip flop stance between all vs. Black Lives Matter. I couldn’t tell you how he performs on the field, but I know he’s been making headlines for his peculiar outfits. He’s been said to dress like our older aunties and teased for his love of eye-catching hats.
I, like most people, had a few rough days this year. And one of the roughest happened to coincide with the day Mr. Newton wore his pink and green Easter Sunday suit. I damn near fell out my seat laughing at the memes of Cam Newton addressing his sorors.
Please, keep those memes coming.
- More face time with Colin Powell
I’d like a camera crew to follow around Colin Powell for a few days or so capturing an unfiltered account of Colin Powell’s most reckless moments. Or maybe just a log of his thoughts. Yes, I know he’s the first Black Secretary of State. I know I’m supposed to respect my elders and not treat them like the “has beens” of Love and Hip Hop Hollywood — but those leaked emails were juicy. I’m almost certain a Colin Powell reality show would make for great TV.
- That people leave Ciara alone
It seems like every time the woman breathes folks shame her for something. People were mad that she got married, mad that her baby Future called her husband “Papa” and mad that she is now having another baby.
Whenever I see this anger from, who I presume are bitter Future Hive members, I scratch my head. Are these not normal things that people do and have done for years? Some folks love to hate on thriving Black women.
Ciara deserves love just like any other black woman deserves love, so I’m rooting for her.
In the meantime, Future fans, can y’all find a better name? The Hive is for Bey fans only. Maybe Santa can help you pick one out.
- That the Black Panther movie is as incredible as we’re all expecting it to be
I’m a huge Marvel Comics movie fan. I get excited about most of the movies. But this Marvel Comics movie is particularly special because it isn’t one where the Black character dies first.
This time I expect to see stars including Chadwick Boseman, Angela Bassett, Lupita Nyong’o, and Michael B. Jordan making witty jokes and catching bodies.
I’m so hyped for this movie that I’m pre-ordering midnight premiere tickets at the dine-in, 21+ movie theater so I can make sure I get a great seat away from restless kids and crying babies. Then, I’ll go see it again later at the former Magic Johnson Theater down the street, like I usually, because the commentary from other Black moviegoers is always spot on.
I’m crossing my fingers for this movie’s success.
- That people stop asking ill-informed celebrities important questions
Honestly. Truly. I don’t want to hear another celebrity’s opinion on Black Lives Matter. When it comes to this subject, Black celebrities from Laila Ali to Lil Wayne have been letting us down left and right. It’s no fun finding out our faves aren’t as socially conscious as we want them to be, though some of these folks don’t exactly surprise me.
Unless they’re actively doing something to change how the police interact with their communities, I don’t want to see another headline about which famous rich Black person doesn’t believe racism is still a thing. Some opinions just aren’t needed.
- That Black lives actually begin to matter
This is probably too large of a load for you, Santa. I’ll have to go to the Lord on this one.
We’ve been saying Black Lives Matter for about three years now. We have marched. We’ve created social media campaigns. We’ve listed demands. We’ve gone back and forth with folks who believe that All Lives and Blue Lives are more important. Yet, when we turn on our TVs and computers, we’re disheartened by with a headline or hashtag with the name of yet another black person killed by the police.
We’ve got a lot more work to do and a lot more progress to make. And sometimes, when we’re up against an audience that put a racist in the commander-in-chief seat, many of us worry that change is damn near impossible.
But I’ve learned that change often starts on a micro level. So I’m trying to do my part the best way I know how, and I know plenty of others are doing the same.
Progress is slow, but giving up isn’t an option. I’m keeping this one on my wish list until it comes true.
Come through, Santa. Come through.