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Come Correct! The Right Way to Approach a Woman

25 Nov

HOW TO APPROACH A WOMAN

Yesterday I found this on the internet:

Image

And it made me start to think about the way we approach people when we want to ask them out.

Some men go straight for the rude approach and catcall. And for those street harassers, two awesome artists,  Photographer Hannah Price and street artist/illustrator Tatyana Fazlalizadeh, found a new way to call out their catcallers. Whenever someone catcalled at Price, she turned her camera on the guy and snapped his photo, which she published in a project called “City of Brotherly Love.”  Fazlalizadeh illustrated several posters to put up around cities with messages that read, “Women are not outside for your entertainment” and “Stop telling women to smile,” among other things.

In previous posts, I’ve talked about the wrong ways to approach women and my horrific encounters with guys who felt entitled to touch my body as if it were public property. Yet, I’ve never talked about the correct way to approach a woman. And with all the stories I’ve heard from friends who tell me about awful experiences they’ve had with guys who violated their personal space, clearly, some people need to learn.

I recently met a guy who had been taught how to respectfully (and smoothly) approach a woman. Male readers, take note:

I was sitting on a bench on campus reading a boring book for class when this guy walks by and asks what I’m reading. (LESSON 1- Comment on something other than my body).

He sits down on another bench nearby (LESSON 2- Respect personal space). We chat briefly about the book and then talk about our majors. (LESSON 3- Have a nice and brief conversation). After about 4 minutes, he asked for my number. And when I told him no, he responded, “Well I hope you have a nice day and that your book gets better,” and then he was on his way (LESSON 4- Walk away respectfully).

As he left, I felt the need to give him a round of applause. Sadly, no strange man had been that respectful to me in a long time. I so appreciated his approach: simple and respectful. But it’s pretty sad that I felt the need to thank him. It’s sad that I have to tell strangers not to touch my body or that I don’t appreciate the way they talk to me. But because it’s such an issue, I’m going to make a point to thank the guys that approach me respectfully. Hopefully, that encourages them and others to continue to do so.

And since I didn’t get a chance to thank that guy:

Dear Dwaine,

Thank you for treating me like a human being.

Related Posts: “Aye Sexy” is NOT How I Like to be Approached

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YES YOU CAN: Twerk and Have a Brain

15 Nov

LILY ALLEN2“It’s hard out here for a bitch,” says British so-called feminist singer Lily Allen in her latest song, “It’s Hard Out Here.” The video is satirical and supposed to critique the music industry’s expectations of women. Yet in the process, Allen upholds oppressive views of black sexuality.

Allen sings, “Inequality promises that it’s here to stay.”

Yes it does, Lily Allen, because you’re promoting it.

So welcome to this week’s episode of “How Not to be a Feminist,” starring Lily Allen.

She sings about how women in the industry are objectified—and then she turns right around and objectifies the backup dancers, who are mostly black women.

The message is clear: It’s not okay to objectify women, unless they’re women of color.

In the video, Allen is fully clothed doing a few dance moves here and there (but mostly just standing around), surrounded by half-naked black women twerking as if their lives depended on it. Allen stands out from the dancing women in her clothes and minimal dance moves as if she I somehow better than them. These scenes all happen right after she says, “Don’t need to shake my ass for you cause I’ve got a brain.”

Allen would like us all to know that she has a brain—and the women shaking their asses for her video…well… I guess they don’t get to decide if they’re intelligent or not because Lily Allen did it for them.

When did shaking your ass become synonymous with being unintelligent? There are plenty of smart women who dance provocatively when they want to and then study their asses off or go to their meaningful careers the next day.

One person tweeted in response, “I shake my ass in front of my degree every morning. Then I shake my ass at my desk at work–senior front-end developer, thanks.”

When I find myself at a party, club, or in front of a mirror when no one’s looking, I’ll shake my ass too. Hey Lily, look…I have a brain too.

The video is a classic case of satire gone very wrong. Instead of correcting the industry, Allen added herself to the list of white woman artists that dehumanize black women. It was as if Miley Cyrus (swear I won’t use her name any more) dressed up as a feminist for Halloween—but underneath the costume is the same ignorance and oppression.

If anything, Allen’s video proved one thing—it’s harder out here for some women than others (something women of color have proved time and time again). Allen and her white singer counterparts aren’t demonized for their sexuality in the same way black women are. It’s assumed that Lily is a person, while the dancers aren’t even considered to be fully human. As Mia McKenzie from Black Girl Dangerous explains it, the video cuts away at the bodies of black women as if they are parts and pieces, instead of full human beings. The video lifts up women of a certain complexion while oppresses those of another. That’s the same kind of privileged fake feminism I talked about in last week’s post.

Lesson learned: Check you’re feminism, or others surely will.

Welp, guess it’s back to listening to Janelle Monae.

Related Posts: Feminism Gets a Bad Facelift

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Feminism Gets a Bad Facelift

6 Nov

Feminism Goes Under the Knife

Rebrand1For a while now, various individuals, media outlets, and organizations have called for the rebranding of feminism, claiming that the movement’s bad rep (you know: man-hating, no-shaving, bra-burning lesbians) must be fixed. Last month, Women’s media platform Vitamin W made a big “oopsie” when launching what they call the “Rebranding Feminism” contest.

Originally, the contest looked like another bad facelift on a type of feminism that is no stranger to the back-alley plastic surgeon—a type of feminism whose privileged members seek to revamp the movement, yet, blindly fail to address the experiences of women of color, the LGBT community, low-income workers, and full-time mothers. Yes, maybe this type of feminism should seek an upgrade.

Vitamin W’s mistake was their approach: Their original signage, presenting a white woman in business attire drinking Scotch, called for people to create an image, video, or poster to represent the new face of feminism.

Fem Makeover

(click for larger image)

Ironically, the contest displayed the very reasons many educated women who fight for gender equality do not identify as feminists. The woman’s image and some of the wording on the signage (the wording offended many people who do not identify as male or female) displayed the historically exclusionary practices of the feminist movement .

Fortunately, there was immediate outrage on the internet and Vitamin W listened. They changed their signage, and have recently announced their contest winner, who was smart enough not to use an image that would be viewed as discriminatory. However, neither the change in Vitamin W’s signage nor the winning poster touches the heart of the issue.

Rebranding enthusiasts tend to focus on changing the face of feminism so that it’s prettier and more inviting to the masses. Yet, we don’t need a commercialized version of feminism because feminism isn’t always pretty—it isn’t 24-7 Kumbaya. Sometimes it’s about checking your privilege, admitting the ways you have wrongly (sometimes unknowingly) oppressed others, and shutting up so you can listen to people with experiences different from your own. Otherwise, the movement becomes as weak as 2 Chainz’ lyrics, with uninformed feminists who talk a good game about solidarity, but are grossly bigoted. A cutesy version of feminism would water down the multifaceted aspects of the movement and its potential to address not only gender issues, but also intersecting issues of race, class, sexuality, ability, and everything in between.

Instead of preparing feminism for facial reconstruction to appeal to audiences who shy away from the F word, rebranding enthusiasts should switch their focus. As a participant in on Bitch Media’s rebranding feminism online discussion panel suggested, those seeking to upgrade feminism should address the needs of women who already identify as feminists or believers in gender quality, but feel left out of the movement. Just ask the women who participated in #solidarityisforwhitewomen, a hashtag that fuelled worldwide discussion about how women of color feel their issues are unaddressed by the feminist movement.

Mainstream feminists in the movement need to open their eyes and acknowledge issues of women who aren’t quite as privileged. For example, feminist campaigns to widen access to Plan B, often do not benefit women on Native American reservations, who in many cases, have the least amount of access in the country. White feminists who reclaim the word slut fail to realize that it isn’t quite as easy for Black women to do so. And exactly where was all of the feminist outrage, rallying, and campaigning when reporters announced that California doctors illegally sterilized about 150 women in prison?

Clearly, rebranding without any real effort to acknowledge all equality issues isn’t going to solve the exclusivity problems in the movement. Instead of simply talking about feminism being an all-inclusive fight for equality, we have to truly be about it.

Unfortunately, Vitamin W’s contest won’t be the last we hear about rebranding. Elle U.K. has made it their task for their November issue, and an organization called We are the XX recently created a new “feminist manifesto.”  But frankly, these tired calls to rebrand feminism are futile.

Rebranding isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to make feminism “cool.” Instead, as writer Samhita says in a recent Feministing article, “As much as it is easy to rest on the “equality between the sexes” definition of feminism, if we want to change public perception of feminism, we actually have to change feminism itself. We have to both push for a world that demands gender equality, while pushing for a feminism that acknowledges, accepts, and truly incorporates difference.”

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